miss

ironic kinda that my titles 'miss'

and right now, and pretty much every other moment in my life

the strongest feeling i have is 'miss' even if i do deny it

i missed the feeling of freedom, so i went on holiday

3 months i wanted to go

half a month enjoying the sun in malaysia to make friends to rekindle a relationship that had long died, where the feeling had gone missing so so long ago

1 month in japan to catch up much missed friends, to say a last farewell as group

and 2 months to spend time with the family i rarely got to see, the grandma i who had long gone missing, and perhaps create a few friends of my own in the city i so desperately try to call home,

yet as the 3 months draw to an end

i realize, i once again have missed out on this opportunity.

misleading lines of hope, misguiding feelings caused malaysia to come to an end

so much plans and hopes, so many goals

which apparently were too much yet too little

and as a result, my time in hong kong just increased to make up for that time, as tickets are unchangeable ==

but even so it would only be a bit more than two months in hong kong

den i could go to japan and be with my friends

i had it all sort

tickets, travel buddy route

yet one by one even that fell apart

travel buddy, den the nxt person who promised to be a travel buddy

and the one after dat

den even a parents 'trust worthy' promise

so much for 'yea sure we'll let u trade up the car and let u travel instead'

ohh no its 'we'll say we'll let u, then make up sum giant lie about a volcano, den not pick up ur calls wen u find out its a lie and not let u go anywhere, no let u attend the graduation ceremony of ur friends to let u say good bye, the ceremony uve been looking forward to since u came back from the one yr exchange we forced u to go to, and no we do not care that u have already told all ur friends' den its 'we brought a camera even though we promised u could get one, so u can just take this camera even though we ourselves say its shit, u can use it coz we cant refund (or more likely have been bothered to try) and then we'll say we'll let u buy one IF u stop complaining about our lying, yes we're trying to bribe ur feelings of hurt and betrayal away with a lousy camera, coz yes we think ur that shallow'

really cant help but miss the old days wen wat ur parents said could be taken seriously, wen u didnt have to put ur all into believing them

back when the dissappointment in ur parents hadnt accumlated to this point wen u were too young to realise what lies were

its almost like

everyday i grow older, i realise more and more of just how depressing the world is

the relatives i wanted to get to know, dont even care that im here

the niece and cousin u rarely see?

'who cares, we'll just say we'll meet her and take her places but not set a time and tell her we're working on it wen she calls to ask but never do, den cancel at the last minute if we did tell her a time

we'll let her see just how unwelcomed she is here

we'll look down on her lack of chinese knowledge

lack of fortune

lack of education, oh coz even if u had good education in aus its still nothing coz aus is stupid

and even if we went to school in aus, we're still better coz u didnt get as high a score as us, and u beat one of us? must just be different year =='

'the grandma i wanted to know? she's still there, but the only thing left that i can do is just watch her slowly deteriarate to the point beyond reconigiton, i'll just look at her, hoping shell look up and see me, even if she cant remember me, or even respond to my calls

the friends u wanted to make u realise wont happen, as even if u do get job, ur still an outsider, a foriegner and a child, coz we're all so much older than u, and cant be bothered to care, we'll make small talk like 'u got any siblings' but nothing more, u dont understand? oh thats alright we'll just laugh

and the rare friend u do make? at first ur excited, then u realise that theyre not so much ur friend, but just another guy hoping to play with ur feelings

just another person who'll promise to do things they hav no intention of doing

just another person to laugh at u

just another person who'll use ur feelings as a confidence boost

and ull let them coz u dont have a choice, no1 else even cares to talk to u

and

wen u want to cry out and scream about it all

u cant

ur friends are all sleeping

ur mum choose to call and piss u off in the middle of the night over there

and thats wen u realise

that the feeling of miss u so desprately hoped u didnt have?, its there

its been there the whole time, u just fooled urself into turning a blind eye to it

the shoulder to cry one, the understanding that a friend can give, its not there

the comfort they could give?

well the closest thing left now is the line 'its just a few more days, just a few more days and youll be back and theyll be there'

until of course u realise

well be in uni

well be seperated

be there? theyll be there, but theres no garuntee theyll be there all the time now, u hav to make new friends step out of ur comfort zone even if ur already feeling down

coz ur best friends? sum perhaps hav already left, sum will fade, sum will disappear and ull be lucky to even have one left..

and once again ull just be left reeling and missing

the feeling of miss, u cant escape it, u can run but it will catch up at the worst of times